Friday, August 15, 2014

One Step At A Time

This year has been all about learning to take each thing as it comes.  Which is hard.  I like to plan in advance.  I like lists and schedules.  I like being able to accomplish everything I set out to accomplish each day.  But, these days have too many curve balls for that to be realistic.  Alden, himself, is a curve ball because his naps and needs are unpredictable each day.  I just got done getting him to sleep, and I'm exhausted.  The half hour before he falls asleep amounts to a half hour spent wrestling a feisty kitten.  He fights sleep so hard.  If I just put him down, he screams and works himself up into a sweaty frenzy -- not at all conducive to actually sleeping.  If I hold him and rock him, he eventually relents -- but, only after a good kitten attack.  My whole body tenses up trying to get him to fall asleep while maintaining my cool.  And, I shouldn't do it, but the whole time I'm thinking about all the wasted minutes.  He's clearly tired!! If he'd just go to sleep right away I could get to my PowerPoint that needs finalized, the memo that needs editing, the phone calls that need returned, the appointments that need made.  Instead, once he finally drifts off, I can feel my body unwind and the exhaustion set in.  How am I going to tackle my list now?

One step at a time.  My life is in constant triage mode these days.  What has to get done.  What should get done.  What can wait.  Breathe.  Maintain composure.  Try not to snap at Kailey or Eric (every time I do, Kailey retorts, "you don't have to be so rude!"... it's a good reminder.  The to do list is not her fault.  And, it's true, being rude doesn't help the situation).

We're getting closer to buying a house here.  Why does real estate have to be so involved and stressful?  It's a huge purchase.  A big commitment.  It's our base.  Our foundation.  Where we will invest blood, sweat and tears -- and, we know that better than most after our last homeowner experience.  So we've really been digging in to this purchase.  Researching everything possible.  Talking to everyone we can. 

But, that's in between being back at work.  Traveling with Alden.  Ramping up for the school year.  I didn't manage to sign Kailey up for soccer this fall.  That bums me out.  She doesn't really care. But, to me, the fall is soccer!  I wanted to coach again.  I wanted her to play. 

Moving does that.  It disrupts the flow of things.  It keeps things from getting done. Well, moving and working and having a new baby and parenting.  It's a relentless mix of needs and tasks that results in me collapsing into a pile at the end of each day. 

I started on the task of finding Alden child care.  But, I've failed at that.  I'll have to start over.  I interviewed about five people, didn't love any of them, and then got completely overwhelmed by yet another huge decision.  Who will care for my child so I can work... a person that will spend 20 hours a week with him.  It's a big decision!  With Kailey, we had a trusted and beloved friend.  It was so easy.  But choosing a total stranger.  It's overwhelming.

And, I could handle it -- because I'm great at handling things -- except that it's a overwhelming big decision in a year full of overwhelming big decisions.  I can't handle another.  The number of decisions has short-circuited my brain and I'm afraid that ever new decision is a bad one because I no longer have the capacity to make good decisions. 

Big breath.

He's asleep.  I need to finish a PowerPoint for the conference I'm speaking at in Denver.  I need to make a few calls.  I need to edit a memo.  That's what I will do in the next hour.  Then I will take another breath and see what comes at me.  And deal with it.  And hope that this madness is really coming to an end.  I think the light at the end of the tunnel is there, in the distance... we just have to keep moving towards it. 

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